Me Without You
by Frankielynn
Summary: If you were here right now, I'd probably start by telling you how much I hate you. How what you did I can never forgive. Complete- OneShot


**Welcome to yet another one-shot. This story has been floating in my head for a few months now. I hope you enjoy it.**_  
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**As always, I have a few people I need to thank. My Prereaders EmmaLee Rose and christag_Banners, you ladies help me sort out the random ideas in my head. My Beta's: KareBear1965, LyricalKris, AJasperForMe, and TwiMom817. You ladies keep my words from running away from me, and clean up my commas, among other things.  
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**I thank you guys.  
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**Frankie  
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_If you were here right now, I'd probably start by telling you how much I hate you. How what you did I can never forgive. But then I would most likely stop and tell you I'm sorry, I'm just hurt and don't really hate you. I'd tell you I do, in fact, still love you. I just need time to work things out on my own._

_Then maybe I would ask you why you did what you did. I'd look you in the eye and tell you honestly, we can never be the way we used to be, but maybe, someday, we can try again. _

_I would have told you that, and I would have meant it. I still mean it, maybe always will. Who knows? You didn't, however, want to hear me. You figured I would never forgive you for what you had done, and didn't want to hear my answer either way._

_So here I sit, alone, in the dark, staring at today's mail. Mail I have been dreading for weeks. Mail that means no matter what, it's all over. Really over. That high school sweethearts, five years of marriage, 'til death do us part, forever, is all over as soon as I sign my name._

_It's not easy starting over without you, living a life that was meant for two. My one bedroom apartment feels like a mansion without you here. I'll never get used to waking up alone, when it was always your voice I would wake up for._

_The days are longer now. I can't seem to find enough stuff to fill my time. I'm almost completely unpacked. I tried to write you an email to tell you I'd be around to pick up that last box, but erased it. I know I need to call you, face you again._

I close the lid on my laptop and reach for the phone. It has been almost six months since I've seen or talked to you, Bella. As if telling me about your affair wasn't bad enough, you told me we should take some time apart and the divorce papers would be in the mail.

My fingers trembled over the keys, as I set the phone back down. I can't do this. I'm not ready to hear how fine you are, how ok your life is without me. And I don't want you to hear just how **not** ok I am without you. That I haven't moved on.

I try one more time, and after three rings, I hear your voice. "Hello?" It still sounds the same, young, full of life. You still sound like the woman I married, the woman I fell in love with, the one I gave my forever to. The woman I used to make love to and watch as her body would curve and bend at my touch.

"Hello, who is this?" I'm brought out of my memories at the sound of the annoyance in your voice.

"Hi, Bella. It's... It's Edward."

"Oh, hi. How are you?"

_I want to tell you I'm lost. I don't sleep now that your side of the bed is empty. I miss you. _"I'm doing ok. How are you?"

I close my eyes and wait to hear your answer. I can hear the happiness in your voice and know I'm not gonna like the answer.

"I'm ok. Doing really good actually. Putting the house up for sale, don't need all this room for just me anyway. Thinking about moving in with Emmett."

"So you guys are serious now?" I push back the tears, as I listen to you talk about selling _our _house. Selling all of _our_ memories. That final nail in the coffin.

"Uh, yeah, kinda. I'm sorry Edward."

"No...no, it's ok. I'm ok. You have to live your life." _Even one that doesn't include me now._

"Yeah, and so do you, Edward."

"I'm trying. Which reminds me, do you still have some of my boxes in the garage?"

"I think so."

"Can I come over and get them?"

"Uh, you sure that's a good idea? Maybe Jasper should get them."

"I'm fine, Bella. I'll be over tomorrow."

"Ok, see you tomorrow, Edward."

"Bye, Bella."

_I always think back to all the times you told me you loved me, told me I was the greatest gift you ever got. I wonder how many times you actually meant it. I wonder how many times you tell him the same thing, when you'll stop meaning it with him too._

_I wonder why you picked me. I want to ask you if you had to do it over, would you? Then again I don't think I want to know. I don't think I can handle knowing you didn't love me. I want to ask if maybe I did something wrong, didn't kiss you enough, worked too much. Should we have made love more? I want to ask so many things. I sit here late at night and think of things I maybe should have told you back then._

_Like the fact I loved your attempt at making my mother's casserole, and that I should've eaten it anyway . . . even after you burnt it. Or the time we got lost and you thought I did it on purpose to ask you to marry me. The ring was in my pocket, I was just too nervous._

_Or when I was overwhelmed with work and you wanted to go to the beach, I could have taken a break, I just wanted to finish so I could focus on you. I'm sorry you never got to go._

_I want to ask if he makes you happier than I did. If he lets the paperwork wait so you can go to the beach. Does he eat all your attempts at baking . . . even the burnt things? Do you love him?_

The driveway seems so much longer now as I round the corner to our old house. You're sitting on the porch swing talking on the phone and I flash back to the old days, coming home from work to see you sitting outside painting your nails, or playing in the garden, come to mind as I shut the car off. I take a deep breath and open my door.

I hear your giggling voice tell him you have to go and 'I love you' as you turn to wave at me, a happy and huge smile on your face, and I know it's not because of me. I grit my teeth and smile and wave back, pointing to the garage as I walk away.

I feel you walking in behind me. The smell of your perfume hasn't changed, and my mind wanders briefly to the day I first got that perfume for you.

"I put all your stuff in the moving day boxes in the corner. That bike's yours too."

"Thanks, Bella. I didn't mean to leave it here so long ... I guess I ..."

"What?" Your face looks pained, as if you know still what I'm thinking. What I was about to confess.

"Nothing. Memory lane I guess."

"We did have some good ones, didn't we, Edward?"

All I can do is nod and lift up my old bike with the flat tire, walking it to the back of my car. I see you lifting up the lid on the top box, peeking at what's been packed away.

_Did you ever feel guilty? Did you mean to break my heart? I still remember sitting in our living room, packing up those boxes. All the things you had ever given me, their meanings now changed. _

_The bear you gave me after I had my appendix out, I slept with it every night I was in the hospital, it smelled like you. I kept it in my sock drawer. _

_All the times I tried to take it off, and yet you did so easily, your wedding rings tucked safely at the bottom of the box. I remember how you worked so hard to find just the right set to match your engagement ring. _

_I stuffed my life into that box, my life that's now without you. Me without you, it sounds so funny. Do you ever think of yourself now without me? Do you get asked where I am anymore? What do you tell them? _

_I think again, maybe I don't want to know. Maybe it doesn't matter, I don't need to care. I hear from everyone around town how well you seem to be doing now, how happy you look. I guess that's my answer._

I pause as I watch you reach in and lift out a small object, and I know right away what it is.

"You kept them?"

"I kept everything, Bella."

"Why?"

I wince at your tone, as if I shouldn't still feel the pain now, as if I should have been moved on by now.

I guess I should be. You are.

"I couldn't throw it all away like you did." I know my words bite you, but they come out before I can stop them.

"What do you want me to say, Edward? I'm sorry, honestly."

"No. I don't think I want you to say anything. I had so many things I wanted to say to you, tell you. But I see why I never did. You're not . . . sorry. Your life moved on, you're over it … me. I guess I need to be too."

"Edward … I ..."

_If you were here right now, I would start by telling you I'm never going to be over you. I don't think you spend as many years with someone, as I had with you, and just get over them. Actually I don't even think it matters how much time you spend, when you give away your heart, you never really get it back. And for some, like me, you don't really want it back._

_I would tell you I'm trying, everyday, to move on. I would tell you I'm doing ok._

_I would tell you about Alice. I would tell you she makes me laugh, and happy, that waking up in the morning gets a little easier now. I would tell you that even though I can't ever fully give her my heart, as it's not mine to give, I do want her to have part of it. The parts not broken, not yours._

_I would tell you I asked her to marry me, that she said yes. I would let you know I heard that you got married too, and I can honestly tell you now I'm happy for you. I'm happy you're happy. I want you happy. I can say that now._

_I would tell you I gave away our stuff. It wasn't easy, but it was time._

_I would tell you goodbye, Bella._


End file.
